And I Thought of You
by SaintTuesday
Summary: Wake up. Try to get out of the flat. Survive another day alone. Bed. Lather, rinse, repeat. Because she left. And somehow the world kept spinning.
1. Woke up

**September the 14th**

Elsa woke up and promptly wished she hadn't.

A beaming ray of sunlight was bursting through the partially closed curtains and straight into her tired eyes. Rather than invigorating her into wakefulness, it just made her feel hot and sticky. Rolling over and spitting blonde hairs out of her mouth she glanced painfully at the clock on the side, acid green digits informed her it was three in the afternoon.

She scowled, she always slept too little and too late without Anna.

There was a mental pause, as if thinking the name could summon the person, but when no chirping red head burst through the door she merely closed her eyes and buried her faced in the pillow once again. A buzz from the side table told her what had pulled her from her unrest, the message icon flashed brightly on her phone. Elsa growled and grabbed the offending device, not checking the sender she stabbed the red phone icon and threw the phone across the room, where it hit the wall and slid behind her desk.

She'd get it later.

For now, she would have to get up. If she went back to sleep now she would only wake up later and be groggy and useless the whole night. She needed to focus if she wanted to get anything done today. With a grumble Elsa rolled out of bed, standing in her pyjama t-shirt and shorts she scooped back her scraggily mess of hair, normally tied out of the way but for some reason she had left it down last night. She looked at the side table one last time, eyes skittering over the clock that now said three twenty two, mind abuzz until her movements stuttered as she focused on a familiar freckled face grinning out of the famed photograph at her bedside.

_Oh yes. That was why._

She tied her hair to sleep but she left it down last night because it felt strange to not wake up with hair in her mouth, accidentally left there by an incessantly wriggling girl whose bed head was truly legendary. She often awoke with hair smothering her face, or tangled in a strange pile of limbs. Not today. She grit her teeth, eyes shining.

Not tomorrow either.

_Or ever again._

Wrenching her eyes from the beloved photo and grabbing the essentials Elsa stumbled towards the shower. Fighting the lump in her throat that felt like she had tried to swallow a brick dry she peeled off her clothes and jumped in the shower. Maybe her tears wouldn't be so obvious if she had a hot shower. Maybe.  
Closing her eyes as she scrubbed shampoo through her hair it was all she could do to not cry as her mind drifted back to happier mornings.

* * *

_One year ago:_

"_Elsa!"_

No, no. not now.

_Elsa was in the middle of a wonderful dream that involved chocolates, rivers of them, rivers that trailed enticingly down pale skin and long legs that lead to-_

"_ELSA!" a tremendous weight suddenly landed on her bed and Elsa was catapulted to awareness as she was flung at high speed to the floor._

_Her shoulder and head collided painfully with the floor, quilt tangled around her legs as she flailed to get free. _

Ow. _She thought, trying and failing to count the spots in her vision._

_"Oh geez! Elsa I'm so sorry!" Her eyes streamed as she blinked upwards, a slim hand was extended in front of her; "Are you okay?"  
Elsa smiled up at the cause of all the chaos of her morning;  
"Apart from the brass band leaping through my skull, I'm all right. What are you doing here so early Anna?"_

_Because of course it was _Anna_: she was the only other person who had a key to her room, having insisted that they made copies the second they got them from the warden's office._

_Anna smiled in relief that Elsa was unharmed by her boisterous (but well meaning) morning greeting. Elsa was not a morning person; it was unlikely she would get up before noon which was an unacceptable eon after Anna's own body clock ringing her awake at six o'clock. That is, she used to be. To be fair they hadn't seen each other for nine years, Elsa had decided not to tell her that she had been getting up on her own just fine for six of them. That's what happened when there were no parents to wake you up anymore._

_Elsa reached up, pulling herself out of her own bad thoughts and grasped her friend's hand firmly._

_Hauling her old best friend to her feet, Anna's grin was nearly splitting her head. She was so excited to finally be here! It had taken so long to drive down and it wasn't until a week before they were due that she even knew Elsa was coming to this university.  
Wobbling up to her feet Elsa smiled back, which was a much quieter affair but nonetheless still as happy. She had missed Anna. She was a brilliant ball of sunshine who seemed to make everything feel better._

"_Now," Elsa began, as she ran fingers through her fringe until it had returned to its customary backwards-waves she turned towards the clock. "I suppose I should get ready, do I have time for a show- ARGH! ANNA! WHAT THE _HELL_?" _

_It was only six thirty. They weren't due in for first class until _nine_._

_Rounding on her sheepish and soon-to-be-ex best friend unless she had a very good explanation, her face screwed into an annoyed grimace. "I. could. be. _sleeping_!" She growled, as she poked Anna in the chest, who raised both hands as a surrender.  
"Uh, I'm sorry? I was just so happy to see you! And it's the first day and do you think our classes will be anywhere near each-other? And What if people don't like me, I mean it's basically impossible to not like you, you're amazing but I'm all thumbs and annoying as we've proven this morning and-"  
"Anna." sighed Elsa forcibly cutting off Anna's ramble, a tired grin crept its way back onto her features as she looked at the enthusiastic red-head "It's going to be okay, you don't have to worry about me." _

"_But what if-" Elsa put her hands on her hips, her posture daring Anna to argue with her;  
"It'll be _fine_. Stop worrying, how can anyone not like you? You'll knock them into next week." Anna giggled weakly at Elsa's praise. _

_"Now," Elsa sighed "when did you actually wake up?" Anna smiled sheepishly,  
"About three? I couldn't sleep, too excited." She explained, Elsa grinned fondly down at her and shook her head as she laughed.  
"What am I going to do with you?"_

* * *

Her shower tastes like salt.

She really shouldn't be this pathetic, but how could she be expected to recover from this?

_It's only been a week._

Elsa chewed her knuckle until it bled, then watched the pink swirl down the drain and tried not to think about anything at all.


	2. Wished that I was dead

**21st of September**

Elsa was trying to fight off the rising ambition to kill herself so she wouldn't have to be here, dealing with this many people and this level of noise

This was difficult because the girl next to her would not. Stop. Talking.  
She sighed and rolled her eyes,

_You would have thought, that being a second year meant I wouldn't have to be here for this._

Elsa _hated_ orientation days.

As the girl beside her proceeded to list every single achievement in her portfolio, while maintaining each and every piece was terrible (much to the dismay and irritation of her new classmates), Elsa surreptitiously began to doze.  
Today was the first day of the new year, she could be in _bed_, sleeping, having spent the majority of last night playing burial at sea, trying to max out her score and keep her mind off the gaping hole in her side but _nooooo_. She had to be here, to show the new first years around the labs, because she had maxed out her marks last year.

_Curse my over-achieving tendencies. _

She didn't want to explain to her tutor that it was because she had been hiding from a very obvious lack of social grace, hiding in her work so she had an excuse to not go out.

_Not that you didn't drag me out anyway, Anna._

Pushing the flash of heartache aside, Elsa slumped onto one arm. While the tutors began to give the new freshers an idea of the work they would be doing in the coming months (some of whom panicked immediately, not expecting this in their first week,) Elsa buried her head in her hood; headphones half in as she quietly slipped into a dream.

* * *

_11 Months and fourteen days ago:_

_"So what made you choose this place?"  
"Hm?" Elsa looked up from the tangle of leads that connected her x-box to her television, blonde tendrils hanging in front of her face. Anna rolled her eyes, then gestured all around them, implying how she chose the university in general._

_"Oh, um." Elsa thought for a moment, "It's a nice enough place, the course is good and it was far enough away that no one would know who I was." Elsa smiled weakly while looking slightly off to the side, blonde flopping in her face, not meeting Anna's eyes. She wasn't telling the whole truth, but hopefully Anna didn't remember her well enough to be able to tell that she wasn't.  
(Anna did.)_

_Choosing to distract her friend from an obviously uncomfortable subject Anna leaned forward and took a segment of the tangle Elsa was tugging at. Elsa half smiled, grateful, before bending her head to keep plugging the jacks into the television._

_"So what we gonna play?"  
"What?" Elsa jerked her head back up in surprise, narrowly missing the television which rocked violently. Ignoring it, she continued staring like Anna grew a second head.  
"What. Are. We. Gonna. Play?" Anna enunciated slowly as if the other teen was dense, waving aloft a controller in one hand and quirking an eyebrow.  
"These things aren't all that complicated, I'm sure I'll be kicking your butt in no time!" she continued, internally praying that she was right.  
Elsa let out a startled huff, before a sly grin told Anna she had pressed the right button. From what she remembered Elsa had a competitive streak a mile wide, it seemed time hadn't changed that._

_"Oh really? These things aren't like sports in real world Anna; they require skill, precision, planning and patience. Something I seem to remember you lacking in, if my childhood memories are at all accurate." Anna rolled her eyes and laughed as Elsa took the controller back from her hand.  
"Sure, you're just afraid I'm going to beat you!" Elsa raised a brow, gesturing dramatically with both hands;  
"Oh yes! That's exactly why," she clasped her right hand to her forehead and collapsed to the floor in a sprawl, "How ever did you guess at my true evil plan?" she wailed face first into the carpet._

_Anna burst into laughter outright at this unexpected display, her laughter lighting up the room and making Elsa think of sparkles. She instantly resolved to make Anna laugh at every opportunity, the world was missing out on that laughter. Wiping years of mirth from one eye Anna gasped for breath,  
"Movie?" asked Elsa, smirking at the wheezing noises coming out of Anna's mouth. Anna nodded, grinning like an idiot;_

_"Movie sounds great."_

* * *

"-Won't you Elsa?"  
Elsa was jolted awake by her name being called; her teacher halted in front of her watching as Elsa fumbled to pause her music player, almost knocking it off the table:  
"What?" she muttered, blinking to try and focus her swimming vision of people turning her way.

_Oh god why? Stop looking! Go away!_

"You'll help out the new students if they need any advice with the equipment, isn't that right?" asked her lecturer, not unkindly.

"Yeah, yeah, sure. Whatever. Just- Ask away." She mumbled in response, waving in agreement with one hand while rubbing the arch of her nose with the other. The lecturer beamed and dismissed the freshers to wander round the lab at will.

Elsa immediately realised this as a divine chance to escape: slipping out the back door and vaulting down the stairs three at a time. Landing in a mostly deserted hallway she careened through the doors leading to the entrance hall, shoving her headphones over her ears. Tired blue eyes stuck to her own shoes making her way through the rush of bodies, cranking the music up to drown them out.

Only one thought kept rolling around in her head.

_How do people do this without someone like you Anna?  
_


	3. Lay motionless in bed

**September the 26th**

It's a Saturday afternoon and it's really stuffy in her room; she really should open a window, but Elsa hasn't moved since Thursday night and she doesn't intend to start now.  
She stared up at the ceiling and watched nothing, focusing only on the air and not even seeing the pale white ceiling.

The afternoon sunlight bathed the room in gold, bright beams scraping across the carpet to measure time passing. Her phone had rung three times an hour ago but it's still behind the desk and she has no intention of moving it.

If people (what people? The only person she wanted was _gone_) wanted to talk they knew where she was.

Her pale blonde fringe crept down and irritated her eyes, blowing it out the way she blinked slowly and shifted a leg gingerly. Her stomach rumbled. Grinding her teeth Elsa stood up slowly as another situation made itself urgent and she scrabbled into the bathroom. Afterwards she trudged towards her bed but without a beloved welcoming presence the yellowing sheets suddenly felt repulsive to her.

Sighing one more time she rubbed her forehead and sat at her desk instead. Maybe if she got some work done- no, her stomach rumbled again and she knew she would have to get food before she could study in peace.

No one was going to come in with some half burnt concoction and remind her to eat.

No one was going to sit there and attempt to eat it until Elsa finally lost all patience and made grilled cheese or ordered take out.

It was all on her now.

A small noise that could be described as a sob tore from somewhere inside her, even as she attempted to cage it. Hurt blossomed outwards from below her ribs in a spiral, making Elsa hunch in on herself, forehead resting on the desk surface as she gritted her teeth and scrunched her eyes closed.

She was so sick of this.

She shouldn't be falling apart at the thought of a _name_.

Berating herself for it wasn't making her feel any better, though. She sniffed quietly, desperately ignoring the hints of wetness that slid from her eyes. Being this close to herself meant that she was abruptly reminded that she really needed a shower. Somehow, this helped to snap her out of it and she swallowed hard before pushing herself up and onto her feet.

Okay. She could do this.

Elsa grabbed a bowl and staggered towards the kitchen. For once, there was no one else around to get in her space. Setting the kettle going, she cracked open a packet of noodles –

"_That's not real food Elsa!" _ a voice echoed just as the kettle whistled.

_Shut up. _

She thought acidly, trying not to get splashed from the just boiled water slopping into her bowl.

_I'll add peas next time. Or something, just leave me alone. _

But the memory is so well known it plays on loop on the back of her hands, behind closed eyelids, in the chrome reflection of her noodles going round and round and round. The memory feels like it should be cracked and faded like worn film tape from endless repeats and attempted destruction but no, this memory is crystal clear as if burned into her every cell.

It has taken weeks for her not to expect this.

* * *

_Eight months and twelve days ago, and many times thereafter:_

_Anna, sat on the kitchen side with long legs swinging, torn hems and untied laces whipping the air in front of her as she mock frowns. She leans back on her palms and the green plaid shirt she's wearing open over a dark tank top slips off her right shoulder, features melt into a laugh at something Elsa does._

_(She doesn't remember what. Just remembers watching Anna like a drowning man, following the loose strands of ginger hair trail over that now exposed shoulder.) _

* * *

Elsa hates this memory. Hates what it made her realise.

The memory continues despite this. In the memory, a much healthier looking Elsa laughs and protests that after they graduate she'll be able to cook whatever she wants. It's a well repeated argument and the ending never changes, never fails to make her smile and her heart stutter in happiness.

"_I'll never leave you alone! You're stuck with me for life!" _The voice conveys the pout but was exultant, forever certain they would never part ways, that there was nothing that could come between them. Elsa snorted as the microwave dinged and she took the hot bowl of noodles into her palm. Turning away and slamming the plastic door shut with an elbow so hard that it echoed in the kitchen and it is a miracle the door doesn't shatter.

_Sure._

She thinks, trying to banish the vision back to her subconscious.

_Nice job on _that_ one._

She's only _slightly _bitter. Elsa's face turns into something like a snarl as she stomps down the hall back to her room, shadows and memories trailing her like walked through smoke.

_Here are some words of advice Anna;_

(Rage and pain bubbling up like bile she mentally spits the words, an open wound with the scab picked off once more.)

_Don't make a girl a promise you know you can't keep. _

When Elsa's door slams shut behind her it sounds final, but it feels a lot like she left something out on the other side. Something lighter, and precious.

Somehow her noodles now taste like guilt and refuse to sink past the lump in her throat.

She gives them up after three or four dejected mouthfuls and crawls back to bed, lying a top the covers on her side facing the wall in a vain attempt to sleep. she drifts off with lips forming soundless apologies, even now she cannot bring herself to be angry with Anna.

(_I'm sorry I'm sorry I know you didn't mean it. You'd never choose to do this to me._)


End file.
